When I observe myself and others it seems that the crucial first step to making change or improvement in behavior or lifestyle resides first in the belief that change is possible. What I hear are statements like these: Oh, I could never live without cheese. There is no way I could run a marathon. I just don’t see myself going out and not having a drink. I could never jump out of a plane (with a parachute, of course).
It’s not that these people can’t change, it is that they don’t want to change at all or change badly enough. So let’s all be more honest and say statements like these instead: I don’t want to live without cheese. I don’t want to run a marathon. I don’t want to go out and not drink. I don’t want to be a skydiver. Then examine if you’re okay with those choices and their consequences.
Clarity and self-honesty are keys to integrity and integral living.
Individual mind-set and heart-set rooted in what we believe is possible leads to satisfactory results and the attainment of goals. Our perception is our reality and if we think change is possible, then it is possible. Conversely if we don’t think change is possible, it will not be possible. Sometimes we scapegoat possibility to protect lack of desire or willingness to start the change process.
Fate + Free-Will = Destiny
Fate: the elements of your life which you did not choose such as original gender, date of birth, location of birth, genetics, the family and cultural dynamics into which you were born, the social environment in which you exist.
Free-Will: your ability and responsibility to choose.
Destiny: the cumulative path or story of your life.
We (those of us who have the luxury to contemplate the complexities of life because we are not fighting for our basic survival) are neither totally in control of our lives nor are we at the total mercy of life. While you may not be able to will your natural eye color to change, you can choose whether to watch TV for an hour or exercise, or multi-task and do both. How acutely your mind-set and heart-set align with your priorities, goals, and dreams will in large part determine your use of free-will and therefore your choices. The dance between fate and free-will is as endless as your life.
Shame, guilt, lack of self-worth, disempowerment, and victimhood all influence your mind- and heart-set which in turn influence your priorities and choices. In order to make wiser and healthier choices it is important to know what are your priorities and believe that you have the right to make and are worth making choices that empower the attainment of your goal. Change is possible and a different version of you is possible.
This is never to say it is easy. It is only to say it is possible. And the fulfillment of goals and dreams is worthwhile. Fate often throws curve balls, yet we still have free-will with which to respond. Daily consistency and commitment create habits that groom us to becoming the achievers of our visions. Our daily & habitual micro-actions and self-talk can fine tune or derail us. Self-discipline is worth cultivating. Three weeks (21 days) are required to develop new habits. During those 3 weeks your self-discipline and mind-set are what you need to power through the changing of old habits. After that time, most likely but not always, your new desired habit will become automatic and self-reinforcing.
If you want change bad enough and you believe that new habits are possible, you will, with the help of self-discipline, create new habits. Self-discipline is the “adult you” overriding the “child you” when impulses, reactions, and habits show up.
The chart below illustrates the ratio of internal vs. external work of someone who is intent upon achieving their goals. Of course everyone’s chart would look different in large and small ways, however you can see how time spent during the week is largely invested in one’s responsibilities and goals. On days off work (assuming you have them), the freed hours can be invested in more self-development. Some activities can be multi-tasked like socializing and eating, socializing and exercising, or cultivating new skills and volunteering. Everyone has 24 hours each day and we, in large part, get to choose how to fill them.
| MINIMUM 80% | MAXIMUM 20% |
|---|---|
| gratitude | ambition |
| focus on what you have | focus on what you want (don't have) |
| positive | negative |
| compliment | critique |
| listen to yourself | listen to others |
| exercise commitment & conviction (drive) | relax |
| on | off |
| work (professional, personal) | play |
| relationship with self | relationship with others |
| 19.2 of 24 hours (80%) | 4.8 of 24 hours (20%) |
| • work • sleep • eat • read • exercise • learn (continued education) • cultivate skills • maintenance (chores, errands) • relax & rest | • socialize • volunteer/serve |
To make subtle or profound changes or improvements in life, clarity and belief are keys. The following questions may help.
1. What do you want…to change, to develop, or to acquire?
2. Do you believe it is possible? If not, examine why. Is fate, free-will, or belief in your way?
3. Identify steps toward success. For example, will I incrementally stop smoking or quit over night? What does that look like and what do I need to put in place to reinforce my commitment? What will I do with my time and energy instead of smoking? Do you need to acquire professional support or develop new skills?
4. Prove it to yourself….one healthy meal, one smokeless day, one hour without nail biting can empower conviction. Every consecutive repetition of success creates stronger self-reinforcing conviction that allows you to make bigger and bolder changes.
5. Create self-accountability. Keep a journal or chart. Ask for support from trusted friends and family. Inspire and motivate yourself. Remember, this is your choice. Do not change for others and do not rely solely on others for motivation. Do not orchestrate ways to blame others for your failure to succeed.
6. Accept and embrace that the slow acquisition of success is subtle, monotonous, and unglamorous. However the accumulation of hours and days devoted to change creates the illusion of “overnight success” once the process is complete. Stay faithful to yourself and your process.
Get clear. Get committed. Find conviction. Chart a course of action. And believe change is possible. Know that you are not limited by fate. Use your free-will to craft a destiny that makes you proud to be who you are each and every day.
Additional Resources
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Very clearly written, Carla. Of course the best motivator is psychic PAIN! That’s what got me going. The concept has been around for over 500 years, with the poem, “Dark Night of the Soul” by St. John of the Cross. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul
Thank you Paul! Yes, I agree, pain is an excellent motivator! Here is the poem for those not familiar with it:
The Dark Night of the Soul
by St John Of the Cross
On a dark night,
Kindled in love with yearnings–oh, happy chance!–
I went forth without being observed,
My house being now at rest.
In darkness and secure,
By the secret ladder, disguised–oh, happy chance!–
In darkness and in concealment,
My house being now at rest.
In the happy night,
In secret, when none saw me,
Nor I beheld aught,
Without light or guide, save that which burned in my
heart.
This light guided me
More surely than the light of noonday
To the place where he (well I knew who!) was awaiting me–
A place where none appeared.
Oh, night that guided me,
Oh, night more lovely than the dawn,
Oh, night that joined Beloved with lover,
Lover transformed in the Beloved!
Upon my flowery breast,
Kept wholly for himself alone,
There he stayed sleeping, and I caressed him,
And the fanning of the cedars made a breeze.
The breeze blew from the turret
As I parted his locks;
With his gentle hand he wounded my neck
And caused all my senses to be suspended.
I remained, lost in oblivion;
My face I reclined on the Beloved.
All ceased and I abandoned myself,
Leaving my cares forgotten among the lilies.