How To Drop the Guilt Over a Non-Traditional Family Meal

Here’s something that hangs up a lot of people when they imagine converting to a mostly plant-based (raw, low fat, cooked, etc.) diet: how will I convince my family/spouse to convert with me?

Well, you don’t have to AND you can eat the foods you want to feed yourself.

How?

First, you need to realize:

1. Whoever does the food shopping greatly influences what dishes can be prepared at home.

2. Whoever does the cooking/prepping decides what is eaten during a meal.

Let’s assume both of the above is you. You do the bulk, if not all, of the food shopping and food preparation.

Secondly, you need to learn to be ok with:

1. Inviting other family members to join in on the shopping with you or to make their own food shopping trips.

2. Inviting other family members to join you in the kitchen.

This is how it has worked for me.

Daughter: “Mom, what’s for dinner?“

Me: “Salad.“

Daughter: “Can I make something else?“

Husband: “Honey, what’s for dinner?“

Me: “Salad.“

Husband: “I’m going to run to the store to pick up a few things.“

One day, this dawned on me: when the three of us go to a restaurant, inevitably we all order something different. We don’t like the same foods. Why do I think it would be the same at home?

Restaurants have menus. Parties feature buffets. Why reserve the privilege of choosing one’s own food for special occasions only? Perhaps it should become an every day occurrence.

Surely the tradition of everyone eating the same food at the family table developed to make things easier for the cook. Understandable!

Yet the more I thought about it, I realized too that one person deciding what everyone is going to eat at the same meal is kind of socialist in nature. If you value individual differences & preferences, this may not feel good to you.

But you say: I’m not going to turn into a short-order cook and make a different meal for everyone.

I agree! No way would I do that.

This is why, as a wife and a mother, I stake no claims on the kitchen as my domain. It is a room where whoever is eating needs to participate in the creation of their plate.

My daughter has become pretty savvy in the kitchen at age 11. My husband has no problem swinging by the grocery store on his own when he knows he wants something specific for dinner. Don’t we all get cravings?

I don’t like other people deciding for me what I will be eating and therefore I don’t like making those decisions for others.

Here’s a typical meal at my house, one that we actually had this past Saturday:

Carla: several bowls of a large Caesar salad made with two heads of lettuce and homemade dressing, homemade sweet potato fries

Husband: spinach ravioli, two slices of Ezekiel garlic toast, a bowl of Caesar salad, sweet potato fries

Daughter: Amy’s organic veggie burger with cheese on two slices of Ezekiel garlic toast, Amy’s organic ketchup, sweet potato fries, banana

I made the big salad. Hubby made the pasta (frozen), toast, veggie burger (frozen) and fries(scratch). Daughter assembled her burger and set the table. She chose the veggie burger at the store herself. I would have never guessed that she would have been open to it had I shopped alone.

We all ate different meals, but, as you can see, there was overlap between us all.

Luckily none of us has food allergies, but, if we did, it would be normal to have different food between us. Choosing to eat differently based on individual desires is a vote for each family member listening to their body, their cravings, their appetite and their tastes.

That’s a good thing!

I write this post for those who wish to become more flexible in their food shopping and cooking. I encourage you to invite your family into the grocery store & kitchen with you. Let them participate in the ever important skill of feeding themselves.

Let the shopping, cooking and clean up become a cooperative effort. Everyone will have their needs met and the responsibility of making all the food decisions does not land on one person.

Perhaps what you want can be someone else’s side dish. Perhaps what they want becomes your side dish. Perhaps someone enjoys leftovers while another makes a new meal.

If this sounds good to you, let go of the guilt. Let go of tradition. Do what works best for you and your family.

Give your family members the autonomy of choice, including yourself. For young children, give them the choice between two options and increase this as they age & mature.

Rather than: “What would you like for dinner?” Ask: “Would you like ravioli or a veggie burger for dinner?”

This empowers children to feel heard, feel respected and in some control of what happens in their experience of dinner. Chances are if they chose it, they will be more inclined to eat it.

By all means, insist they have some veggie or fruit on the side. You are still the parent, but now you’ll be dancing within the shades of grey rather than in black (in total control) or white (lacking total control).

Food is so much more than stuff on a plate. We nourish ourselves with our desires. We nourish others with their desires. We allow others the freedom to nourish themselves with their desires.

What we can’t do is nourish others with our own desires. It often loses it’s nourishing quality and becomes force fed obligation instead.

Keep a healthy kitchen, a flexible mindset and encourage yourself and those you live with to listen to their bodies. Empower yourself and them to satisfy the messages that are heard.

Drop the guilt & get creative! Turn what was once a one-person chore into a family creation!

PS – The AMAZING photos were borrowed by a new favorite website that I just discovered: The Alkaline Sisters. Check them out for a bevy of new, healthful recipes!